If you've ever replayed your kid's game on the drive home, play by play, while they stared out the window, you're not alone. I've done it too. Most of us love our kids, love the sport, and want them to get better. So we start coaching the minute the car door shuts.
The problem is timing. Right after a game, your athlete's body is still full of adrenaline, their emotions are running hot, and their brain is already replaying every mistake. What feels like helpful feedback to you often lands as one more voice saying they weren't good enough.
After two decades of working with athletes from youth leagues to the NFL, and coaching my own kids' teams here in Middle Tennessee, I've come to believe the car ride home is one of the most important moments in youth sports. Here's what I'd want every Franklin and Brentwood sports parent to know.
Why the car ride home is so hard
The car is a small, closed space with no exit. Your athlete is tired, maybe hungry, and possibly embarrassed. You're full of opinions, some of them good. Put those together and a simple question like "What happened on that third out?" can turn into a fight, a shutdown, or a kid who quietly starts dreading game days.
Here's the thing many athletes eventually admit: when sports stop being fun, it's often not because of the coach or the competition. It's because the game started following them home.
The one sentence that changes everything
If you take nothing else from this article, take this. After every game, win or lose, say:
"I love watching you play."
Then stop talking.
That sentence tells your athlete the most important thing they need to hear: your love isn't tied to the scoreboard, their stat line or their playing time. It gives them room to bring up the game if they want to, and room to leave it alone if they don't.
What to skip after games
None of these come from bad parents. They come from parents who care. But in the first hour after a game, they usually backfire:
- "What were you thinking out there?" They don't know yet. And now they feel judged.
- "Your coach doesn't know what he's doing." It puts your athlete in the middle and makes it harder for them to trust the person coaching them.
- "Why didn't you shoot more?" or any other second-guessing of their decisions.
- A full replay of the game. They were there. They remember.
- Comparisons to teammates. It almost never motivates the way we hope.
What to do instead
Try this simple rhythm for the next month:
- Lead with connection. "I love watching you play." Hand them a snack. Turn the music on.
- Let them talk first, or not at all. If they bring up the game, listen more than you speak.
- Ask about joy, not mistakes. "What was your favorite moment?" or "Who played really well tonight?"
- Wait for permission before giving feedback. "Do you want my thoughts, or do you just want to decompress?" Respect the answer.
- Leave the coaching to the coaches. Your job is to be the safe place.
When they do want feedback
Some athletes will ask what you thought, especially as they get older. That's a great sign. When it happens, keep it short and specific, start with something they did well, and talk about effort and choices rather than outcomes. "I loved how you kept hustling after that error" teaches far more than "You need to stop booting ground balls."
The best time for deeper conversations is usually the next day, when everyone has slept and eaten and the emotions have cooled.
What about after a really bad game?
A rough loss, a big error, getting benched: these are the moments your athlete needs you most and wants to talk least. Don't try to fix it. Don't rush to reassure them that it wasn't that bad if it was. A simple "That was a tough one. I'm proud of you for sticking with it" goes a long way.
In my work, I teach athletes a tool called the 3-second reset: a breath, a physical cue and a next-play cue to move past a mistake quickly. Parents can model the same idea. Name it, let it go, and move toward the next thing. Not harder. Again.
When it might be more than a bad game
Sometimes the tension in the car is a sign of something bigger. Pay attention if your athlete:
- Gets stomachaches or can't sleep before games
- Seems to dread practices they used to love
- Is extremely hard on themselves after mistakes, for days
- Talks about quitting, but seems sad rather than relieved
Those can be signs of performance anxiety, burnout or a sense of identity that rides entirely on how they perform. A mental performance coach or counselor can help your athlete build tools for pressure and help you know how to support them. That's a big part of my work with athletes and sports families.
The long game
Your kid will forget most of the scores. They won't forget how it felt to ride home with you. If the car becomes a place where they feel loved win or lose, they'll play freer, enjoy the sport longer, and keep talking to you long after their playing days are over.
Frequently asked questions
Should I ever give my athlete feedback after a game?
Yes, but ask first and choose your timing. Many athletes are more open the next day. Keep it short, start with what went well, and focus on effort and choices instead of outcomes.
What if my athlete wants to talk about the game right away?
Follow their lead. Listen more than you talk, ask what they thought, and save your own analysis unless they ask for it.
Can counseling help a young athlete with game-day nerves?
Yes. Mental performance work teaches concrete skills for nerves, focus and bouncing back from mistakes. Joe Jardine, LMFT, works with athletes across Franklin, Brentwood and Nashville, mostly by secure video.
About the author
Joe Jardine, MS, LMFT
Joe is a Tennessee Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT #1863) based in Franklin. A former college athlete, ten-year psychology professor and longtime youth ministry leader, he helps teens, college students and athletes with anxiety, low mood and performance pressure, mostly by secure video. More about Joe.
This article is for general education and isn't a substitute for individual care. If you or someone you love is in crisis, call or text 988 or call 911.